And it's over. Granny is gone.

She died at about 5:40 pm yesterday, just an hour after my parents and I lef the hospital. I got called by my dad at work that morning saying that I should come in if I wanted to say goodbye. I stayed there til just before 4. She was breathing very rapidly and we were expecting her to go at anytime, but the nurses told us that sometimes people hang on for quite awhile in that condition, and she'd already hung on way longer than we'd expected. So when I said goodbye I wasn't sure if I was REALLY saying it. Nonetheless I creid and got pretty emotional.

Apparently when she went, she opened her eyes just for a second and asked Granddad for a kiss, and then she died. That's pretty cute. I think it's a good thing we weren't there.

I feel relieved, to be honest. My entire life was on hold shile she was in the hsopice, and Dave said I was pretty "distant", Now I can start getting back toi real life. I'm sad, of course, and I'll miss her, but she lived a long time and I'll see her on the other side.

RIP Granny. You'll be missed.

You're in the hospital now, probably for good, and that makes this all more real somehow.

I don't feel much at all most days, and I feel guilty for it. I don't visit you as often as I should; I go on with life. My own life seem so all-consuming some days that I forget to think about you- even with the knowledge that the times I will visit you now are numbered.

I know death is inevitable. Inevitable for all of us, eventually. But for you, sooner rather than later. Soon I will lose you.

I think the problem is that I feel like I lost you years and years ago. You haven't been who you were for ages. I remember you vaguely for who you were- jogging with me, camping at Cultus Lake when Alice was born. Your obsessive tidiness. The fact that the first time I ever tasted celery was at your house. Wind chimes and hanging baskets and metal wire mesh over your plants in your backyard- to protect them from the deer. Watching "Titanic" with you and Granddad in theatres. Swimming in that big pool in Arbutus Ridge with you and Granddad, climbing the red stairs to the top of the lookout tower. Your joking talk of GT's and my father's ribbing you about the "Heavy Women's Contest" at the Highland Games. Your complete adoration of little Toby. Getting my ears peirced for the second time with you, just about ten years ago. You don't remember, but I do.

But even these memories are fragmented, wispy, nearly forgotten in the recesses of time. Who were you? Who are you now? Who will the woman who greets me on the other side be? Will she be anything like how I remember you?

Somedays I hope the end will come quickly for you, to spare you more pain, more days of confusion and forgetfulness. Sometimes I wonder what life after you will be like; who will my grandfather become without his wife of over sixty years?

Sometimes I don't think of you at all, because I am so tangled in my own problems, and then I feel selfish. When I am old, I will probably regret this.

I will miss you when you go.

"Now that I'm home, I guess I'm going to have to start wearing pants again."

This quote, said by me on the ferry ride home, was the perfect ending to the Vegas trip. (The context of said quote was the fact that I'd realized that for the last week I'd been wearing skirts, dresses, and shorts consistently- hence, no pants. About five seconds after the line came out of my mouth, I realized how wrong it sounded. Anywho...)

So the last few days... let's see... Monday I took Dave to the Bellagio and showed him the awesome lobby, and we did a bit of wandering. We hit the pool in the afternoon and in the evening we took in the Tournament of Kings, which was pretty amazing, and ended in an indoor fireworks show. They overdo everything here.

Yesterday was the only real disappointment, for two reasons. First, in the morning Dave and I set off in search of the elusive "Welcome to Faboulous Las Vegas" sign. We got to Mandalay Bay, one of first hotels on the strip, and were told that it was a "quarter mile walk" from where we were.

Now a quarter mile walk is normally nothing I'd bat my eyes at, but in the 40 degree heat, it's a little different. So about fifteen minutes later, after having walked awhile, run out of water, and still not found the sign, a rather grumpy duo decided to turn back and head home. The other disappointment was that we went down to Fremont Street, as we'd been told by many people that it is awesome and that it has a spectacular light show at night. And we arrived to find most of the food out of our price range and the street itself to be... well, trashy, I guess. Dave said he didn't feel safe there. It wasn't nearly as nice as the strip. And the light show was pretty cool... but not really worth the 45 minute bus trip. And because we went there, we didn't have time to ride the gondolas at the Venetian, which would have probably been more fun. Oh well... that's adventure, right? You win some, you lost some. Plus, after we got back to our hotel we hit up Cheesecake Factory and then wandered around the strip taking tons of pictures. So that was fun.

This morning we went to the restaurant in our hotel, called Hash House a Go Go, for breakfast. Now we'd been here before and let me tell you, this place serves MASSIVE breakfasts. This morning Dave wanted to try one of their legends, called the Waffle Tower, but given its size he wanted to split it with me, and me being the idiot that I am, I agreed. So this waffle tower has a waffle with bacon cooked into it (yum) topped with sage fried chicken. (Seriously, who eats fried chicken for breakfast? Oh right... the same people who eat biscuits with sausage gravy and orange Crush for breakfast. Silly Americans). So we got this thing and took pictures of it (they will be forthcoming on Facebook) and then tried to eat it. Um, yeah. Needless to say I didn't eat much. Fried chicken does not agree with me at 7:30 am.

Anywho, after that we flew home, and made the 5 pm ferry home. Good to be back... I sort of miss the heat though. I don't want my tan to fade! Let's hope it warms up a bit here soon... :D

So I am discovering that it is very possible to enjoy Sin City without sinning (unless an occasional drink and copious amounts of lying in the sun in a bikini count as sin!) I have yet to gamble, and honestly have no desire to. Why sit inside staring at a machine when I could be out exploring? (this coming from the girl on the computer... lol)

So what HAVE I been doing while Dave has been at his tournament? Exploring hotels and shopping centres (the Bellagio has the best lobby so far, and Fashion Show has the best shopping but the Venetian and Caesar's Palace malls have AMAZING attractions!!), lying around by the pool, riding the roller coaster at the New York New York, and wandering to my heart's content, day and night. (Vegas at night isn't scary by the way- there are TONS of people so it's impossible to feel unsafe. You get some ogling guys and an occasional comment from one of them (last night I got complimented on my calves, lol) but for the most part they don't concern me much/ Let's face it, this place is a meat market, and in all honesty, there are many finer portions on display than this skinny, pale Canadian girl. Not to diss myself, but it's true). Anywho...

I am getting used to the heat, and getting a bit of a tan (not a burn, I'm being good with sunscreen). I am constantly dehydrated, despite drinking water like it's going out of style. I wake up every morning feeling like I have a mild hangover (I don't, for the record).

This place doesn't have recycling. I feel like a criminal every time I throw away a plastic bottle or paper.

I like it here but I wouldn't want to live here. It's too crowded, too glitzy, too artificial. I miss nature. I might miss rain soon.

Tonight Dave is done his tournament. Tomorrow I try to talk him into riding the gondolas at the Venetian with me. Tomorrow we also go to Tournament of Kings (similar to medieval times) and on Tuesday night we will hopefully hit up Fremont Street. Life is good. :)

So here I am in crazy Las Vegas. This place is ubelieveable. Bright, crowded, overwhelming, huge, and SHINY. The heat is stifling, to the degree that Dave and I have been staying inside for the most part during the heat of the day, venturing out mostly at night. My West Coast Canadian self, who thinks 25 C is tank top and shorts weather, is not quite sure what to do with 40 degrees (or 102ish, for you americans). Speaking of Americans, we are staring to get the hang of spelling out our last name to people. (W-A-L-"ZEE", not "ZED". People here are like "what's "Zed"? Lol)

We had a delayed flight so we got into Vegas just in time to watch the Canucks lose. (As I said on facebook, I am sad that they lost, sadder at the way Vancouver reacted. Seriously people.) We found dinner at a restaurant in a nearby mall, and I got a really awesome burger and a pina colada, which I quickly discovered to be a mistake. (Overstimulation + fatigue + way too hot + alcohol = BAD!) After that we walked the strip to get our cirque tickets, and then walked back to the hotel. As I say, that first walk wasn't the most pleasant- I was WAY too overstimulated. But we saw the awesome fountain show at the Bellagio on our way back. :)

Yesterday we explored the hotel and swam in the pool. The heat is normally too much but when coupled with the pool it is GLORIOUS. Then we went back down to the MGM, had dinner in an awesome place called the Rainforest Cafe, and looked around a few of the hotels. Then we went to our cirque show, Ka, which was absolutely AMAZING. Annnnd then we walked back. This time I enjoyed the walk way more- Vegas at night is gorgeous if you don't mind the crowds and the guys everywhere who are wearing shirts advertising "Hot Girls" and waving flyers in your face (it's only considered prostitution if they talk to you, lol).

This morning we went over to Caesar's Palace for a bit and are now taking it easy. Dave hasn't been sleeping well. After this we are taking the monorail to another hotel which has an awesome pool that is accessible to the public. Tonight Dave starts his Warhammer tournament so I'll be on my own for the next few days. I'll prolly look around a bit more, hit up some shops, and swim. 

That's all for now folks... 

I feel like my self-esteem took a real beating in 2010.

I'm going through a phase where I am very obsessed with the movie Avatar. Not sure why. I've watched it twice in the past 2 weeks or so and I'd love to watch it again. I do this, I went through something similar with Phantom of the Opera several years back. Sometimes there is something that just resonates with me in a way that I cannot explain in certain movies.

My excuses for being obsessed with Avatar are a) I have a new TV, and what better movie to watch on a flat-screen with awesome resolution than Avatar, and b) I am currently writing a story in which one of my characters is a paraplegic, and so when I watch Avatar I've been keeping my eye on the way Jake gets around in his wheelchair, so I can make it more realistic in my story. But I'm sure there is more to it than those 2 reasons. Avatar has always made me feel... for lack of a better word... a longing, especially the scene where they are flying around on Ikran. I hope there are Ikran in heaven.

Maybe it's an escapism of sorts for me, watching that movie. 2010 has been a hard year for me on many levels- work-wise, relationship-wise, spiritually, emotionally. Also I've seen so many people that I care about get hurt this year- people diagnosed with cancer, people losing loved ones, marriages breaking up. Even incidents that don't really have anything to do with me personally, like the Kimberly Proctor murder, have messed me up (though I do know her cousins quite well). It seems like 2010 has been one big slap in the face telling me that the world I live in is NOT a nice place!!

I already sort of knew this, of course, but it feels like it has hit home more than ever this year. My question is, how do you live in the face of the nasty realities of this world? I don't think that wallowing in the pain of the world and becoming negative and cynical is the answer, but nor do I think that pasting on a happy face and pretending that this world is a nice place is the right answer either. Yes, God is on the throne and I will go to heaven when I die and there are children in India who are much worse off than me, but none of that means that my pain and my problems are not real.

I guess it comes down to appreciating the beautiful moments when they do come, but doing so without expecting life to be peachy all the time. There's a real balance here, I think, and I am in the middle of trying to learn this balance. Also I have to try to remember that pain and conflict will, hopefully, help me grow and make me a better person. There's a Don Miller quote that I posted on fb awhile back that bears repeating: “Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller.”

I must remember that the reason I like Avatar isn't just because Pandora is such a pretty and shiny place and Jake and Neytiri get to fly around on Ikran, but also because they (as well as many other characters) have to fight, both by overcoming their own personal obstacles and by fighting for their world.

The story wouldn't be a good story without some conflict. Perhaps this is also true in my own life?

So.

I am actually considering going back to school in the fall, just for 1 year.

Here's the program I would take:

http://camosun.ca/learn/programs/csw/

Pros of doing this:
- I am sick of having to jump from p/t job to p/t job in order to hold down my church job
- I've already done a lot of this type of work, but if I am certified I get paid more plus I'm likely to get more opportunities
- a lot of support work is p/t, so I could keep my church job and do one of those jobs...
- ...and if I decide it's time to leave the church job, I'd have something else I could do f/t
- there are lots of types of support jobs, including being an EA in a school, which I liked when I did it.

Cons:
- $$$$$
- would probably have to take out a student loan
- also I'd only be working part time for a year (the church and probably the Cridge job still) so we wouldn't have quite as much money during that time
- It would likely be a crazy and/or stressful year
- Means putting off a baby for yet another year, and by the time I'd be done the I'd be 29.5. I always said I wanted my first baby before I turn 30. Plus I don't think a baby and student loans are a good combination. BUT on the other hand, once I have a baby, going back to school is almost a non-option.

Thoughts anyone???

So. I lost my job at Kids Klub yesterday. Lovely.

I had a meeting with the director and my manager, and they both said that they felt like I’m not able to handle the kids in certain situations, mainly when unexpected things come up. My manager said that she isn’t confident that I could handle the kids in an emergency situation, if she was not there. They were both really nice about it, they said that I worked really hard and did my best, and most people have some things that they just aren’t cut out for.

So now it’s back to the drawing board. I’m not sure what I will do from here. Winners, my old fallback job, is overstaffed, and I’m still technically employed at the Accent Inn so my boss there is going to try to give me some shifts, but of course in the winter there isn’t much tourism which means the hotels don’t need lots of housekeepers. I’m not super worried about not being able to find another job, we still have 1.5 incomes and I know we’ll get through and I’ll find something eventually.

This whole thing brings up things that have been brewing just under the surface though, namely my tendency to get easily overwhelmed and frazzled. It seems like this is my most basic problem. Something unfamiliar and overwhelming comes up, and I freeze up, panic. I’ve been reading a book lately about this, the book theorizes that some people just naturally have more sensitive nervous systems than others, these people become overstimulated very quickly and the sensory input that the world throws at us all is often just “too much” for them. The book talks about learning to deal with this trait by getting yourself used to overwhelming situations slowly, and by taking “time-outs” when needed, among other things.

There is a self test in the book and if your get over 14 you’re considered one of these “highly sensitive” people. I got 20. I guess that says something. (If you want to see the quiz, here’s a link: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm. I think this helps me understand myself a lot better, and it makes more sense to me than my theory about possibly having ADHD, since only about half of the ADHD criteria are true for me (though I could possibly be both of these things). A lot of my life makes sense when looked at from this viewpoint: the fact that as a kid I had to turn my socks and undies inside out so the seams didn’t bother me and that I still have to cut tags out of my shirts, the fact that as a teen I’d almost always have a meltdown when I came back from a week at camp (and then there was my big meltdown on my school grad trip in California after riding roller coasters for a few days straight, and the fact that I barely survived going to Guyana), the fact that I’ve had trouble with getting flustered in almost every job I’ve worked, especially jobs with lots of people interaction, the fact that I cannot handle some kinds of movies on the big screen, and even the fact that in marriage, Dave likes to tease me by tickling and poking and playfighting and there’s times when I freak out at him because I just can’t handle it, I want him to stop and he doesn’t get it.

Having said all that, there are a few typical “HSP” traits that are definitely NOT me. For example, I’m pretty outgoing, and public speaking doesn’t bother me (though that is learned). And I’m not detail oriented- I don’t notice small things (though that is probably due to my vision). And high-adrenaline events can be really fun for me as long as I feel in control (ie skiing, zip lines, tubing, even bungee jumping!). Though oftentimes when I do something like that, I love it at the time but feel REALLY drained afterwards. A good example is the big surprise party I threw for Katie a few weeks ago. There were tons of kids and during it I was having tons of fun and dancing to loud music with them and all, but as soon as the party was over I just wanted to be alone. I actually dismissed the last 2 people to leave, who would have been willing to stay late and help me clean up, because I needed quiet and time alone more than any cleanup help.

I guess the question is, where do I go from here? If it’s true that I am one of these “highly sensitive” people, what does it mean for my future? Am I doomed to get totally frazzled at any retail job I do? (Maybe I should try to find something other than a “people job”, but it’s hard to get part time work that isn’t one of these jobs, unless you have a degree.) And what about having kids? Would the stimulation of being out in public and having a crying baby and a toddler trying to wander off just cause me to snap completely? I know I could be a mom, as more messed-up people that me have done it, but could I be a good mom?

(Total random thought here: If I decided to forgo parenting and go back to school, a job that I could possibly see myself doing is being a high school counsellor, since I love youth and love trying to help them sort though their issues. Of course that job would have a lot of emotional strain but it probably wouldn’t be overwhelming in the sensory sort of way, and if I could learn to not take people’s problems on, I might find it quite rewarding. But I think I’d need a Masters to do that, and all I currently have is an Associate, and since it’s from a Bible college, a lot of mainstream colleges wouldn’t honour it.)

Anywho... thoughts?

So I'm not going to post this on my Facebook wall because it's pretty PG-13 and I don't want my youth group kids deciding to read it, but this article is VERY interesting.

http://www.overthinkingit.com/2008/08/18/why-strong-female-characters-are-bad-for-women/

I agree, though I think we women do have our ways of reversing these roles occasionally. Think Twilight.